I just came back from a PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) Retreat and it’s a bit hard to express everything that happened to me there … but here goes.
First thing I noticed was the attitudes of some of the people from Stuttgart (this was a combined retreat since we don’t have many people in Garmisch). The one woman I noticed the most was always saying that the Lord had just told her to say this or do that. It had been a while since I had heard anyone say that and it had me wishing for that kind of security in the Lord.
Then there was the speaker, Amy Stephens. She was so obviously happy and excited to share what God had laid on her heart. I felt drawn to her and so did others because someone else told me that it had never been so easy to fall in love with someone, as it was with her.
The first two sessions she spoke of many thing that I took in, but didn’t really fully understand until the third session.
There was also something that happened before she spoke the third time, which really made me receptive to hear and believe what God was saying to me. It was right before she was going to speak on Saturday night and we were told by Shannon to hug ten people. I went around and huged about five people before I saw Amy sitting on the floor in the back, so I went to hug her. After hugging her she said that she had noticed me this weekend and had wanted to talk to me and get to know me.
I don’t remember any woman ever saying that to me, and here was this beautiful woman who wanted to get to know me even though there were at least 59 other people here that she could say that to. It made me feel special. It made me feel wanted.
And then she went on to talk about many things but the thing that hit me was when she talked about trusting him completely and letting him take care of us. I thought, ‘I can and should do that.’ But then I thought, ‘Why should he do the things I ask of him. What am I to him but a lowly sinner.’ Then I thought of what she had been telling us about how God loves us and that we are his workmanship (Eph 2:10). And she kept talking about how many women have a hard time accepting that God accepts us and loves us the way we are.
So, God loves me, how does that mean that he’s going to do these things for me? But I had put God in a box. I had made him smaller than he was. I had forgotten that this was the same God that raised people from the dead and made Peter walk on water. What were my small problems to him?
There were many other things that she had spoken about over the last few sessions that just broke on me like waves. It was like someone had tripped a line of dominoes and everything that she had been speaking about over the last two sessions seemed to fall into place. There were many things that I had heard all of my life but had never really understood. Like why we don’t have to worry … because we need to let God choose our path and show us every step of the way … we don’t have to figure it out ourselves.
Much of this seems so banal as I write it down like this, but it was like a shockwave to me at the time. I started crying and didn’t really stop for almost two hours.
These are some of the things that came out of this:
What I know is that God loves me the way I am and I can give all my burdens to him. I know that I need to ask him EVERY DAY what he wants me to do … for everything. What I know is that he will help me and he does have a plan … even if it isn’t my own plan. What I know is that I want to be really happy in the Lord like these people were and that I can’t do this on my own — I need his help.
The enormity of all this is slowly dawning on me. I also know that some things in my life have to change for this to work. I know that it will not be easy. I pray that he give me the hunger to go to him every day. I know that it would be so easy to slip back into the life that I have been living. I know that sometimes I won’t hear his voice when I should and I pray that he’ll send me a reminder to stop and listen and go to His Word to get the advice I need.
I also know that I want this for the people in my life, especially my family. I know this sounds like I’m preaching to the choir, since I know that they have prayed for me a long time and I’m sure that has gotten me through things I wouldn’t have gotten through without their love and support. But … I know that I have never seen people as joyous and carefree in the Lord, as I have seen this weekend. I know that worries about earthly things has robbed some of the joy the Lord wants to give to my family. I want them to have this joy, just like I want this joy.
I hope to allow all of you to see my struggle and hear of my joy as I learn about my God and Savior. I don’t want to be like the man in the Sistine Chapel who couldn’t care less about God reaching out for him … I want to be the one that reaches for God. Please pray for me to continue on search for him and for his truth.